The past few days have been super hard and I’d like to eventually talk about the prettiest spot that we picked out for our boy… but my dog threw up all over the house and I had a disagreement with my mother and i’m just feeling infinitely fragile. So, instead, I’m just going to list the few things I did today to put some good out there. It’s part of what we’re trying to do here, not just experience the good stuff ourselves for Momo who can’t… but trying to keep putting the good out in the world. So, I signed up to be an organ donor. I completed the initial interview to have what’s left of my breast milk donated. (And spoke to an incredibly kind woman on the phone who waited very patiently why I choked out the reason I’m donating.) And I ordered our tickets to the Orlando Chili Cook-Off, because our friends who also very recently lost their son to CHD will be there cooking for Mended Little Hearts of Orlando.
One foot, in front of the other, over and over and over again.
Over the past year, I have let go or lost touch with more friends than in any year I can think of since high school. One of my bridesmaids, a high school best friend, my sorority little sister, and an ex-boyfriend that I’ve been friends with for over 15 years, among others. Most of the relationships have fallen off because I’ve stopped trying and either they did too or they just weren’t very invested to begin with.
It makes me a little sad and a little bitter, but mostly I’m kind of shockingly ok with it. I just don’t have the emotional energy to give away freely anymore. It’s not only that other people deserve more of my time and attention, though being married is admittedly part of it. It’s that as I grow older, I want to be with people that want to be with me, that I don’t have to convince that I’m worth their time or energy.
It’s not that I even require a lot. I just want to know that when I reach out, they will too. Even if it’s been a little while. Because, we’re all busy. We all have very individual little lives and jobs and families that we’re growing here. And honestly? I deserve more of MY time, too.
So, even if I don’t know what I’m making room in my life for yet, even if it’s just a little bit of breathing space… I’m letting go. I can’t carry you with me all the time anymore. I’m afraid of what I won’t be able to reach out for if my hands are too full.
Want to know without a doubt that you’ve married the right person? Wait until everything around you falls apart and the world goes mad and see how they react.
I think that we show who we really are when things are rough, not when things are great.
My husband is the best person I know.
I’m still here. The past few weeks have been intense. I got a new job. I start in two weeks. There are many things going on. I can’t talk about them all yet. Summer is almost here. We’re going to Barcelona in two and a half weeks.
I can’t believe it’s still April. This month has been forever long. And I really just want to get to June.
(Foster the People)
This week was… the past two weeks have been intense. Hence no Friday post last week.
I watched… Tanner Hall. I think Rooney Mara is kind of brilliant. Dare. This had such good reviews I thought I was going to like it more than I actually did. New Girl, Nashville, Nikita.
I read… more Black Dagger Brotherhood. Rainshadow Road by Lisa Kleypas, which was meh. I started that series so I feel compelled to keep reading it even though they aren’t really my favorite and I don’t love magical realism in general. I started The Postmistress which is my Mom and I’s April book… it’s slow so far, but I’m hoping it will pick up. Again, something with great reviews.
I listened to… Phoenix. MGMT. Foster the People. M83. And all kinds of stuff that I haven’t for awhile because I didn’t have an auxillary hook-up in Explorer. So, I got the Sentra back and then got a new iPhone on Sunday (after what was a giant clusterfuck) and I haven’t synced my music on it yet. So a whole lot of nothing the past few days.
Among other things, I ate… lemon parm black pepper linguine. My easiest comfort food. Green juice. Starbuck’s Passionfruit Tea. At Cask several times, including a seriously awesome post-Birthday dinner with my friend Jimmy.
Overall… I feel hopeful, stressed, scared, excited, and thankful. Also… 28 days to Barcelona.
several days late. but some of the most brutally honest ones ever.
- I am tired of being loyal. Loyal means you’re the friend that everyone calls when they need emotional support, not the one they call when they want to have an adventure.
- I suck at keeping my own secrets.
- I have always been really afraid of failure, but lately I don’t even know what terms I’m measuring success against.
- Waiting is the absolute hardest thing ever for me.
- I don’t have a single really close friend who has strong religious-based faith system. I think one of the reasons that people turn to religion is because people let them down. We’re all searching for something perfect when I think a big part of the beauty of humanity is that every so often, we come through in a big way. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s effort. It’s a sacrifice.
Jimmy Eat World- “Crimson and Clover”
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
So, come on baby
sing me something that I know
I wanna always feel that a part of this is mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
“Odd how we so often root for the bad boy, wanting him to succeed, or at least to get away. Why? Because he’s the one with the energy. And though William Shakespeare wrote that ‘ripeness is all’, energy is everything. It is light and therefore illumination; it is movement and therefore change; it tests the boundaries of freedom.”
- “Charmed and Dangerous, The Evolution of Hollywood’s Bad Boys“, Vanity Fair, March 2013
(That picture of Marlon Brando eating the apple is the epitome of hottest thing ever. I am not remotely kidding.)
Deftones- “Romantic Dreams”
I’m hypnotized by your name
I wish this night would never end
So why wait for the colors to bleed?
What do you expect?
We march into the fumes
In time, in sync
Tonight the stage is yours