and i’ll smile and you’ll wave

(Blink-182)

Over the past year, I have let go or lost touch with more friends than in any year I can think of since high school. One of my bridesmaids, a high school best friend, my sorority little sister, and an ex-boyfriend that I’ve been friends with for over 15 years, among others. Most of the relationships have fallen off because I’ve stopped trying and either they did too or they just weren’t very invested to begin with.

It makes me a little sad and a little bitter, but mostly I’m kind of shockingly ok with it. I just don’t have the emotional energy to give away freely anymore. It’s not only that other people deserve more of my time and attention, though being married is admittedly part of it. It’s that as I grow older, I want to be with people that want to be with me, that I don’t have to convince that I’m worth their time or energy.

It’s not that I even require a lot. I just want to know that when I reach out, they will too. Even if it’s been a little while. Because, we’re all busy. We all have very individual little lives and jobs  and families that we’re growing here. And honestly? I deserve more of MY time, too.

So, even if I don’t know what I’m making room in my life for yet, even if it’s just a little bit of breathing space… I’m letting go. I can’t carry you with me all the time anymore. I’m afraid of what I won’t be able to reach out for if my hands are too full.

i’ll be the moon when the sun goes down

(Otis Redding)

Want to know without a doubt that you’ve married the right person? Wait until everything around you falls apart and the world goes mad and see how they react.

I think that we show who we really are when things are rough, not when things are great.

My husband is the best person I know.

a ghost just needs a home

(Wintersleep)

I’m still here. The past few weeks have been intense. I got a new job. I start in two weeks. There are many things going on. I can’t talk about them all yet. Summer is almost here. We’re going to Barcelona in two and a half weeks.

I can’t believe it’s still April. This month has been forever long. And I really just want to get to June.

you know that I could not believe my own truth

(Foster the People)

This week was… the past two weeks have been intense. Hence no Friday post last week.

I watched… Tanner Hall. I think Rooney Mara is kind of brilliant. Dare. This had such good reviews I thought I was going to like it more than I actually did. New Girl, Nashville, Nikita.

I read… more Black Dagger Brotherhood. Rainshadow Road by Lisa Kleypas, which was meh. I started that series so I feel compelled to keep reading it even though they aren’t really my favorite and I don’t love magical realism in general. I started The Postmistress which is my Mom and I’s April book… it’s slow so far, but I’m hoping it will pick up. Again, something with great reviews.

I listened to… Phoenix. MGMT. Foster the People. M83. And all kinds of stuff that I haven’t for awhile because I didn’t have an auxillary hook-up in Explorer. So, I got the Sentra back and then got a new iPhone on Sunday (after what was a giant clusterfuck) and I haven’t synced my music on it yet. So a whole lot of nothing the past few days.

Among other things, I ate… lemon parm black pepper linguine. My easiest comfort food. Green juice. Starbuck’s Passionfruit Tea. At Cask several times, including a seriously awesome post-Birthday dinner with my friend Jimmy.

Overall… I feel hopeful, stressed, scared, excited, and thankful. Also… 28 days to Barcelona.

confessions.

several days late. but some of the most brutally honest ones ever.

1. I am tired of being loyal. Loyal means you’re the friend that everyone calls when they need emotional support, not the one they call when they want to have an adventure.
2. I suck at keeping my own secrets.
3. I have always been really afraid of failure, but lately I don’t even know what terms I’m measuring success against.
4. Waiting is the absolute hardest thing ever for me.
5. I don’t have a single really close friend who has strong religious-based faith system. I think one of the reasons that people turn to religion is because people let them down. We’re all searching for something perfect when I think a big part of the beauty of humanity is that every so often, we come through in a big way. Not because it’s easy, but because it’s effort. It’s a sacrifice.

Soundtrack- Jimmy Eat World

Jimmy Eat World- “Crimson and Clover”

I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
So, come on baby
sing me something that I know
I wanna always feel that a part of this is mine
I wanna fall in love tonight

we so often root for the bad boy

“Odd how we so often root for the bad boy, wanting him to succeed, or at least to get away. Why? Because he’s the one with the energy. And though William Shakespeare wrote that ‘ripeness is all’, energy is everything. It is light and therefore illumination; it is movement and therefore change; it tests the boundaries of freedom.”

- “Charmed and Dangerous, The Evolution of Hollywood’s Bad Boys“, Vanity Fair, March 2013

(That picture of Marlon Brando eating the apple is the epitome of hottest thing ever. I am not remotely kidding.)

confessions.

1. I am mildly addicted to tic-tacs. I say mildly only because I know better than to buy them very often, given that I can kill an entire pack of them in a few hours.
2. I need a BARE minimum of two pillows to sleep, but lately I prefer four.
3. I have become scarily good at pretending to be ok with something when I’m not.
4. The thing I’m looking forward to most about going to Barcelona is laying on the beach. Which is funny, considering I live in Florida.
5. I cleaned everything out and off of my desk at work, minus what could at any given moment fit in my purse.

Soundtrack- Deftones

Deftones- “Romantic Dreams”

I’m hypnotized by your name
I wish this night would never end
So why wait for the colors to bleed?
What do you expect?
So heartless

We march into the fumes
In time, in sync
Tonight the stage is yours

for the moment, we’re alone

(Ben Folds)

This week was… um. It was ok, I guess. The working out didn’t happen and I didn’t sleep enough and I cried at work twice, but otherwise I wore pretty new clothes and ate lots of good things and had really excellent coffee.

I watched… not a whole lot, actually.

I read… the next book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. I’m also technically still reading Blind Sight, but mini-confession: I can’t seem to find it right now. I guess that means I need to clean our bedroom.

I listened to… this super depressing mix I made in 2007. It has like, Pearl Jam “Black” and Jimmy Eat World “23″ and Counting Crows “Long December”. I think I made it when I was breaking up with Ryan and it is bleak. I mean, good, obviously but you definitely shouldn’t listen to it repeatedly.

Among other things, I ate… Oh my god, so much food last week-end. I totally overindulged for my Birthday. First of all, Juan bought me a Nespresso milk frother for my Birthday and it’s the best thing ever. I now have two inches of foamed milk at the top of my coffee every day, which makes the happiest girl. And a lot harder to only drink my one cup of caffeine a day. Let’s see… I had brunch with Sara at Dandelion Communitea Cafe Saturday morning- the ultimate grilled cheese and an iced ruby chai (possibly my favorite tea ever) and the best hummus in Orlando. I took my parents for a late lunch at Cask later that day- pimento and fried green tomato topped burger, curly fries, Bee’s Knees. That night, Z and I went to Pharmacy. Excellent food, but they have some serious service and timing kinks they need to work out. They don’t take reservations and I don’t believe in waiting more than an hour to eat anywhere, especially when the quoted wait time was half that. The only positive is that it gave us extra gossip and catching up time which was awesome. Still… cava, garlicky rock shrimp, fries and spaghetti bolognese. Is there anything better than fresh pasta? Sunday, we went to brunch with Becka and Nate at fresh. in Winter Park. It was really delicious- peach and mozarella salad, french pressed coffee, and chorizo eggs benedict. I loved the atmosphere- it’s tiny and reminded me of San Francisco and we totally plan on going again. I made these apple peanut butter chip muffins as part of a new project I’m working on with my friend Teddi. When it’s totally ready to launch, I’ll let you know. I also semi-successfully made chipotle sweet potato soup using our immersion blender. It could have been smoother and saltier, but it was a good first step. Oh, and seriously awesome red curry from Orchid Thai in Winter Park with Steph last night.

Overall… Last week-end was much needed. I’m thankful for all the people in my life. The many conversations totally trumped the delicious food. Which is saying quite a lot, in my book. The rest of the week was pretty mundanely terrible- in that it was awful, but I’m used to it. It’s hard when work overshadows so many other things in life, especially because it goes against every philosophy I really believe in. So, what’s to be done? The plan is to hold out until Barcelona and then figure out the next move. I’m thinking a leap of faith might be in order. But, I’m hoping that the universe will intervene on my behalf before then.